Dragon Horoscopes

Here are your dragon horoscopes for the day!

Aries – Don’t go off half-cocked. If you swallow the knight he’ll only cut you open from the inside.

Taurus – Get up and walk around. Sitting on on your hoard all day can leave treasure marks on your hide.

Gemini – Two heads aren’t always better than one. That left head of yours, it has really bad morning breath.

Cancer – The maiden might say she understands you, but she’s only trying to keep you from eating her boyfriend.

Leo – The dragon with the biggest fire has the biggest dragonballs. Two words: ignitable liquids.

Virgo – Make sure you checked all the entrances to your lair, especially the one the kobolds dug to sneak in cake.

Libra – Today is the day you finally decide which tastes better: fire-roasted peasant or boiled merchant.

Scorpio – Never mistake a wizard for a peasant, they make for a dangerous meal. If it has a wand, carry on.

Sagittarius – Eat goat. Goats are leaner than sheep and you have your reptilian figure to worry about.

Capricorn – Be careful eating too many dwarves, they cause heartburn.

Aquarius – No matter what the oracle says, the meaning of life is not to be found by huffing clouds.

Pisces – An elf would make the best pet, it stays little and cute forever. Plus: hypoallergenic.